Necklace

I wear a necklace given by friend couple years ago. That necklace has three Chinese words. First Chinese words means “privacy”, the second “man/guy” and the third “sea”. Saying those three Chinese words will sound like “I love you” in Korean – that’s intentional. But the funny coincidence is that the second word sounds almost like Chinese word “wolf”. Those Chinese words brought up couple of random memories about the sea.

At first memory I was 16 or 17 and was in Spain with my parents and my brother. It was my first time abroad. We were staying at Fuengirola which is at south coast. There I went to shop to buy bottle of gin and remember being very happy that they sold it to me. Then I went to sit on the deserted beach and planned to drink there. For some reason, after watching the waves for a while, I just poured down the alcohol. Later on this same trip I went to jewellery store and bought a ring for girl of my dreams.

In the second memory I was in Dahab, Egypt. I had just made a long walk in desert and found my way back to the town. It was already early morning and I was sitting by the sea. Watching into horizon and thinking same kind of things I thought in Spain. I remember feeling very relieved before I got up.

In my third memory I was at Tioman island. That’s popular destination in Asia as island has been named as one of the most beautiful islands in the world. However almost everyone stays on the west coast of the island. Of course that’s why I wanted to stay at the east coast, at village of Juara. There was a nice jungle path which went through the island. I had a friend with me, same person who gave me that necklace. We spent days without doing anything, just read books, walked by the sea and ate at the same restaurant. There were practically no other travelers around, just one hippie guy who always winked an eye to me whenever I saw him. Hippie guy and my friend left on the same day, after that it was just me and the sea.

Gurus

A while ago I was thinking about gurus. I was reading a book, which mentioned some ancient indian writing which defined three things that would show that soul has been blessed with the greatest luck in universe. Those three things were these:

1. That you have been born as a human and therefore you are capable to make conscious observation.
2. That you have born with a desire - or you have developed it later, to understand nature of universe.
3. That you have found living spiritual guru.

When I was reading this I very strongly disagreed with third point. I have always been against all kind of gurus & master & teachers. Truth, nature of everything and everyone, is something that can be seen only by "yourself" and there's nobody else that can transmit that realization to you. Great spiritual people like Buddha and Jesus did not realize their nature at feet of guru - realization came only after they had ceased to wander from guru to guru. I could only see gurus as hindrance to person's view. I had seen it from distance, when people start loving their guru, their teacher, their master - alive or dead. They want to be close to him/her, to enjoy the presence of that person, to get answers to their questions - to follow instead of walking their path by themselves.

Then I thought about my past and realized that maybe I had been too harsh with my attitude towards gurus and people who seek them. No, there wasn't ever really "guru" in my life but I realized that there were people from who I got some pointers that have lead me here where I am now. Some of these persons have been purely literal (for example those seven spiritual characters that I named while ago) but there have also been people in flesh and blood that have either taught me something directly or made me realize things by their actions . I'll list some of them here.

1.Quint - that's not his real name but that's what he used in an online game I used to play a lot long time ago. He was a wise dutch guy who had some contact with buddhism and spirituality in general. He was not a religious type - he always said that he had his own religion. I was quite confused at that time and he introduced me to thoughts of Richard Bach. It's pointless to think "what if" scenarios but sometimes I really wonder what kind of my life would have been if I had not ever chatted with him.
2. Beccis - nick name of his. That's a guy who I met at the chessclub in my hometown. We used go to bars to play chess together. He was very different person compared to people I had met before. He had been homeless for some time in his life & he was very carefree and spontaneous. Watching his life encouraged me to live the way I wanted instead of living how we're "supposed" to live.
3. Both of my ex girlfriends. Experiences with both of them taught me more than any other source. Experiences with first girlfriend led me into real wakeup call to spirituality - she probably does not know that she really saved me from myself. With my second girlfriend there were other types of very valuable lessons for me.
4. A girl whose name I cannot remember anymore. She was someone I exchanged few emails with when I was suffering a lot. She mentioned book of Anthony de Mello which made me start to see sense in things that seemed so insane before that.
5. Audra. She was a lithuanian girl who was also there when I was facing the pain. She taught me about enjoying the moment, not regretting anything. Actually we both taught each other at that time even though only later on we both realized it.
6. Dean. At one point of my life I was reading zen newsgroups every day. And from somewhere there I found posts from Dean, an australian guy, and found out that he is supposed to be an "enlightened". I exchanged some emails with him and asked him questions that were bothering me at that time. I got replies that helped me on the way. Non-duality was one of the main things that Dean helped me to realize.

Of course there have been more people than these who have directly or indirectly helped me on my path. There's this zen story which I can agree with:

Word spread across the countryside about the wise Holy Man who lived in a small house atop the mountain. A man from the village decided to make the long and difficult journey to visit him. When he arrived at the house, he saw an old servant inside who greeted him at the door. "I would like to see the wise Holy Man," he said to the servant. The servant smiled and led him inside. As they walked through the house, the man from the village looked eagerly around the house, anticipating his encounter with the Holy Man. Before he knew it, he had been led to the back door and escorted outside. He stopped and turned to the servant, "But I want to see the Holy Man!" "You already have," said the old man. "Everyone you may meet in life, even if they appear plain and insignificant... see each of them as a wise Holy Man. If you do this, then whatever problem you brought here today will be solved."

Legends

There are lots of legends filled with miracles about ancient spiritual characters. That is always the result when writers don't share the same realization as who they write about. Many people, believers, take these legends literally and will get entangled by web of fantasy - and so religions are born. Lots of filtering is needed when reading these stories but somewhere there, under mud and weed always lies a great story. One spiritual character from who there are lots of legends is Tilopa.

Tilopa was a tantric practioner in India over thousand years ago and he is regarded as founder of one lineage of Tibetan Buddhism. There are two story versions how did his spiritual search began. In first version he was living monastic life (he was born into a brahmin caste) and one day heard a voice from female spirit, Dakini, who told him to throw away his monk's robes and become wanderer. In second version he was meditating when he received a vision which transmitted entire Mahamudra (direct introduction to the nature of Mind) to him. I don't think I need to say which version of the story seems valid to me. Tilopa did same kind of wandering as Siddhartha Gautama did, going from guru to guru learning as much as he could. Finally he declared that he had no other gurus than the source of all the manifestations of enlightenment.

His most closest disciple was Naropa and for this disciple he created advices in many forms. For example "Song of Mahamudra" is really wonderful text about the ultimate experience. Another famous one was "6 words of advice" (original sanskrit or bengali text only had six words in it but that text is not available anymore so English translation was made from Tibetan translation) - I should say that I don't favour any form of structural spiritual teaching but these are really solid advices:

1 Don't recall - Let go of what has passed
2 Don't imagine - Let go of what may come
3 Don't think - Let go of what is happening now
4 Don't examine - Don't try to figure anything out
5 Don't control - Don't try to make anything happen
6 Rest - Relax, right now, and rest

Sun

Couple days ago I was sitting in a bus traveling through English countryside. I had a book open, perhaps my favourite book of all times - the Snow Leopard by Peter Matthiessen. I was reading it in small doses and every now and then I was looking outside from the window. Then "it" arrived. There was nothing but pure joy. It would be wrong to say that I smiled because “I” was not there. It lasted surprisingly long, perhaps longer than ever before. Finally it slowly waned away, like a sun being covered by the clouds. Later on I tried to analyze what was that - was it satori, sudden awareness? Was that uniting with the universe for a moment (meaning that one stopped imagining being separate entity)? Was that love? Was that true nature of everything and everyone? Was that total absence of fears and desires? Was it some of those, all those or none of those? In the end I stopped speculating it and realized that whatever it was, there was no need to categorize it.

Here’s a quote what I was reading when the clouds started to shift away:

"The fact that many a man who goes his own way ends in ruin means nothing . . . He must obey his own law, as if it were a daemon whispering to him of new and wonderful paths . . . There are not a few who are called awake by the summons of the voice, whereupon they are at once set apart from the others, feeling themselves confronted with a problem about which the others know nothing. In most cases it is impossible to explain to the others what has happened, for any understanding is walled off by impenetrable prejudices. "You are no different from anybody else," they will chorus, or "there's no such thing," and even if there is such a thing, it is immediately branded as "morbid" . . . He is at once set apart and isolated, as he has resolved to obey the law that commands him from within. "His own law!" everybody will cry. But he knows better: it is the law . . . The only meaningful life is a life that strives for the individual realization - absolute and unconditional - of its own particular law . . . To the extent that a man is untrue to the law of his being . . . he has failed to realize his life's meaning.

The undiscovered vein within us is a living part of the psyche; classical Chinese philosophy names this interior way "Tao", and likens it to a flow of water that moves irresistibly towards its goal. To rest in Tao means fulfillment, wholeness, one's destination reached, one's mission done; the beginning, end, and perfect realization of the meaning of existence innate in all things."
~C.G Jung

While I was wondering what to write about this incident I stumbled into this quote of Sufi master Rumi, which might express experience without experiencer.

Words,
I speak no words.
What can I say?
I left my voice outside the sama.
Feel, Dance, Whirl,
Love, Breathe,
Be….
I watch my bliss, from outside.
This body, that holds, my self,
Like the skin of a drum
Holds sound, reverberates.
Spinning in the arms
Of a presence,
Longing, longing
For sound and breath
And dance to be one.
Yearning, for there to be no I
No word.
Just the silence of the Universe
Spinning, whirling,
In slow kaleidoscopic motion,
Like the sun and the stars,
In the dance of love.

Movie

If you could make a movie about your life so far, what kind of movie would you make? Let's assume that you could get media of your whole past so you could pick any scenes from it into your movie - if you wanted. Would you make it a comedy? Tragedy? Adventure? Drama? Or something else? In what kind of light would you show yourself in that movie? Hero? Victim? Wanderer? Which events from the past would you highlight in that movie? Which events you would choose not to use? What kind of music would be playing on the background? Would you show that movie to anyone? Would seeing that movie make the viewer understand you better?

That's what I was wondering today. Here's how my movie would look like: Type of the movie would be music video, showing memorable scenes from my life while at the same time I would be walking outside in nature, in present moment. I'm not sure in what kind of light I would seem to the viewer of that movie - perhaps all those three above mentioned roles depending on a scene. Which events would I choose? Well, I started writing them in chronological order but then I decided that it was better not to list them here. Partly because the list was getting big and also short descriptions would not really tell much about them.

Which events I would choose not to use? I am not sure if there's really anything I would not want to show. Of course most scenes that I would choose would mostly be memorable in terms of pleasure or flip side of the same coin. What comes to music there were several songs in my mind when I was visioning movie in my head. Here is a list of songs that would definetely be played, perhaps giving you some taste about the presentation:

Aerosmith - Crazy
Alphaville - Forever Young
Billy Idol - Rebel Yell
Celine Dion - Je Sais Pas
Darude - Sandstorm
Dido - Life For Rent
Eagles - Hotel California
Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams
Limp Bizkit - Take A Look Around
Milk inc. - Walk On Water
Michelle Branch - Everywhere
Modjo - Lady
Myslovitz - Dlugosc Dzwieku Samotnosci
Nacho Sotomayor - Don't Do Anything
Nerdee - Broken Glass
Nickelback - Someday
Nightwish - Over The Hills And Far Away
Paula Cole - I Don't Want To Wait
Pretenders - I'll Stand By You
Pride - Opening Theme
REM - Everybody Hurts
REM - Losing My Religion
R Kelly - If I Could Turn Back The Time
Robert Miles - Children
Sarah McLachlan - Angel
Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You
Sash! - Ecuador
Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
Scooter - Nessaja
Simple Plan - Crazy
Sophie B Hawkins - As I Lay Me Down
Squeezer - Wake Up
Starplash - Free
Sting - Desert Rose
Sylver - Turn The Tide
Tasmin Archer - Sleeping Satelite
The Corrs - So Young
The Rasmus - In The Shadows
Tom Petty - Into The Great Wide Open
Tulku - Meena Devi
Tulku - Spiral Dance
U2 - What I Am Looking For

Would I show this movie to anyone? Yes, to those who would like to see it. Would seeing it make the viewer understand me better? I guess in some ways it could - depending how well viewer could really get into it and how well the viewer could put away his/her old impressions about me. If watching that movie would generate tears or a smile I would have managed to put the story on the screen the way I experienced it.