Happy birthday

I used to wonder why people celebrated birthdays. What is the point to celebrate that you are getting older and older? Then it occured to me that maybe people celebrated because they were still here, still able to celebrate - perhaps whole birthday should be named as celebration of life. But even in this case it seems to me that we should celebrate every day, not just on certain occassions when earth has completed its trip around the sun.

I got the following email today and it even took me couple of minutes before I realized who I got it from.

From: FutureMe.org
Subject: Hello future Harri

(this message was composed on Fri, Feb 6, 2004)

And happy birthday. Well I know you don't celebrate birthdays but 30 - man, I hope you're still the same Peter Pan as the one who's writing this email. Of course you have changed but to better I hope ;)

I'm just writing this in English as you should be out of the country by now. Where? Ireland? Time goes fast, huh? I wonder what have you learned (if anything) during this time.

In any case I hope that you're not in Jyväskylä when reading this email...

Anyway enjoy the moment wherever you are. Carpe diem.

Inside a triangle

I just returned home from evening walk. I haven’t done many such walks lately but now it was needed even if it did not really give any results. There, in the dark night, I realized that currently I have been inside a triangle. Even though I could see effect of each end of the triangle, that did not mean practically much. So I suffered. It felt crazy to suffer when you saw absurdity of thoughts, of ego but there was no escape to it. How can one escape something that one has been carrying with all along?

There must be a piece missing from the puzzle. Something, that will complete the circle…

At the crossroads

Lately I have often been wandering in this so called ”I don’t know” state. It’s a limbo where nothing really affects you positively or negatively - where you don’t want this or that. Another analogy would be to call it a world between matrix and reality. Around year ago I exchanged some thoughts with one guy who was supposedly “enlightened”. He told me that I was in the halfway of the “circle” and nowadays I understand what he meant.

Making choices in limbo is very difficult because what normally drives us to do decisions, desire, is not there in its normal power. We always make decisions based on what we want – when do we make choices without that driving “I want” motivation? It’s interesting to notice that people usually value person who knows what he/she wants – it’s considered somehow “mature”. And to me it seems that normally this definition only points to a person who is blindly satisfying own ego. On the other hand I am also aware that one should accept the selfishness factor and just be very attentive about it.

In the past I had a strong belief. Like I have written earlier, beliefs are tools which are used to get strength, to feel secure and so on. That belief of mine was like a big sun, which radiated tremendous energy and made me think I knew exactly everything about certain things. Now that the sun is gone, I am standing at the crossroads. Paths are spreading to different directions but I’m just standing there with hands in my pockets.

To live is to choose. But to choose well, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go and why you want to get there.
~Kofi Annan

Allow the world to live as it chooses, and allow yourself to live as you choose.
~Richard Bach

We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.
~Kahlil Gibran

Flying, just flying

In the past I kept contact with people whose path had sometimes crossed mine. I sent emails & sms to them and asked how they were doing, what was going on in their life and told what was happening in mine. I tried to keep all the people from my past in my present life. With some people it worked, with some people it didn’t. Then after some events this process of keeping contact started slowly to wane - I felt like I had nothing to say, nothing to share. I started seeing how insane the world is, how people had tons of mental problems, how ”I” had problems.

Now I don’t feel like saying anything to anyone.

That may sound pessimistic to reader but that’s not where the words are pointing to. There can be a great beauty in silence.

Actually there are few people who I would like to talk with face to face but I would not really know what to say.

I was never social person but nowadays even the will to be social has vanished. There are thoughts of solitude somewhere far away. One could say that I’m running away from something. And at the same time I’m approaching something very harmonious.