Dreams

I was discussing with a person who told me that she worked as development manager in some company but ideally she would love to have an own cottage or live in a boathouse or a lighthouse down by the beach writing poetry and shortstories and making jewellery out of seashells.

That made me to start wonderingI why don't we people live this kind of life we dream about? Why do we always make conclusion that it's just a dream, it would not work, it would be impractical and so on. Why aren't we courageous enough? Why do we end up doing some jobs which we might not necessarily hate but which we still think that is quite far from what we would actually like to do? I think many people blame society and its structure - that we do not really have choice to live the way we would really want. Personally I think that it's not so - we could live the way we wanted but for various reasons we make excuses for ourselves and kind of brainwash ourselves to believe that there's really no choice. One of those various reasons might be that perhaps we are afraid that our dreams and ideals would not be so great as they are in our mind and we do not want to become disappointed.

All that being said, I don't know how it is with me. I used to be a great dreamer but then at one point all dreams vanished. There are still lots things I would not mind doing or seeing but it's far from desires that I used to have. I could live as a hippie, or as a hermit or as a monk or as a wanderer (which describes my present situation pretty well) or as something else - they are all fine. Still I wonder sometimes, quite often actually, what am I doing here anyway? Why not to leave somewhere else to do something else? And then I counter it in my mind by saying that if I am not happy here and now then going somewhere else and doing something else is not going to make me happy. And then I re-counter myself by saying that while that argument is correct, if it's always applied nothing ever changes - and while change might not be solution to anything, there's nothing wrong with it either.

Drunk

It's friday evening and I am drunk.

It reminds me that most of my life when I have lived on my own (that is since 1999), I have made a pattern of drinking on friday night. Whether it has been because I have been studying or working hard all week and wanting to take a break from it or just because I have become used to drink on certain schedule does not really matter. Drinking is somewhat spiritual experience to me (and to many people). I also feel more imaginative when I am drunk (and more social of course). I have became drunk on almost every place where I have travelled. Now let's see, I have been drunk in Spain, Russia, Israel, Egypt, Estonia, Belgium, Poland, Denmark, Ireland, USA, Czech, Singapore, Hong Kong, Thailand, Laos, Cambodia and Nepal. So that leaves Latvia, Germany, France, England and Malaysia where I haven't been drunk.

Some people really change a lot when they became drunk. They lose their control and say things that they would never say without drinking. That's not the case with me, the control (in a form that I don't get crazy in a "bad" way) always exists but other than that I become free - no inhibitions, restrictions and ideas. Of course getting drunk is not any solution to this kind of freedom, it's just a shortcut and has it's own disadvantages. It gives a taste how it's really like when your mind is free. Some people become alcoholics as they just can't imagine a life without that feeling of freedom. Some people use drugs for the very same reason. And me? I just enjoy it - sometimes with substances and sometimes without them.